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Rush Plans $70M Outpatient Facility at Former Sears Sit...
Rush University System for Health on Monday announced plans for a new $70-million outpatient center at the former Sears site at N...
French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed
According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog bree...
Neighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went ...
LADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday afte...
Congress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On Rutabaga...
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illega...
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch P...
Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members f Congress are against the initiative. The O...
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfrie...
STOCKTON, CA—Demonstrating a direct correlation between the two phenomena, local man Campbell Rymski’s reported use of the word ‘b...
Lazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs ...
WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials a...
Nation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spide...
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively annou...
Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work ...
The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state’s right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out...
Week In Review: March 19, 2023
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Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ...
LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Fri...
Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid
MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey conf...
Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘So...
WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had pi...
BWE Investment Sales Hires Parker Kelly to Amp Up Manuf...
BWE Investment Sales, LLC., an affiliate of Bellwether Enterprise Real Estate Capital, LLC, has hired Atlanta, GA-based Parker Ke...
Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration ...
Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’r...
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Res...
‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs
HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie...
Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s ...
BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Ran...
EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It
WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agenc...
Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Op...
MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local ma...
Area Teen Watching March Madness Enters 2-Week Phase Wh...
UTICA, NY—Developing a passionate interest in the university that would last precisely a fortnight, an area teen watching March Ma...
ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be C...
SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the j...
New NCAA Streaming Service Lets Fans Watch 4 Capital On...
INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning this year, college basketball fans will no longer have to miss even a second of the action, sources confirm...
Conservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans Bigotry
Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-t...
Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake
BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anas...
Go Visit Your Healthcare Provider – At Dollar General?...
It’s common to see healthcare clinics in retail pharmacies. Walgreens boasts its many different walk-in clinics, primarily run by...
Mortgage Rates Pull Back a Bit After 5 Straight Increas...
The 30-year fixed-rate mortgage (FRM) averaged 6.60%, a pullback from last week’s fifth-straight week of increases to 673%, accord...
HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The So...
NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HB...
Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As M...
LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began...
Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doom...
NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian A...
T-Mobile Acquires Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile In Effort ...
BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acqui...
What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse
Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in ...
Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Gov...
NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans inve...
Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labo...
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for bre...
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Fail...
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated ...
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To ...
DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike...
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail
Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitte...
5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida
A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, w...
Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Al...
The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objectio...
Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page
GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he...
Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62
GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednes...
Bankrate’s 2023 Annual Emergency Savings Report
It might be a little apropos considering the developing banking crisis as we post this; a recent report from Bankrate.com says an...
Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse
The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. ...
Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 ...
SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly up...
Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies
While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit s...
Starbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarte...
SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schult...
Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That ‘Boneless Wings...
A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its bo...
$58M Mixed-Use Development Launches in South Side’s Bac...
Chicago Mayor Lori E. Lightfoot and Ald. Jeanette Taylor joined New City stakeholders Tuesday to start construction on United Yar...
Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of ...
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the sta...
Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After...
PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Fac...
New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Awar...
TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates anno...
Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard...
CLEVELAND—Saying they were considering trading up on draft day in order to select the Georgia Bulldogs defensive tackle, Cleveland...
Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness ...
ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked ...
Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being ...
MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37...
Atlanta Police Explain Why They Need ‘Cop City’
The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the...
Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure S...
Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure...
Hollywood Fact: Did You Know?
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U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For S...
ARLINGTON, VA—As part of an ongoing effort to crack down on unlicensed, counterfeit imitations of its tactical aircraft, the Penta...
Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voic...
MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill G...
Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Origi...
NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Mo...
Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Prob...
CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being hel...
2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On...
Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American b...
Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times
Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an...
Week In Review: March 12, 2023
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Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are St...
With the viewership of the Academy Awards’ broadcast slipping by 35 million since 2000, The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars ...
The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition
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Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital
WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the tre...
McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D....
Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at...
SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked...
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffri...
Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More...
PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedl...
Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants T...
LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third Internationa...
The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars
Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ b...
Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families...
LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix official...
MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star M...
New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavi...
JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the...
Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicia...
Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental c...
The Onion Reviews ‘Scream VI’
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Mortgage Rates on the Rise for Fifth Straight Week
The 30-year fixed-rate mortgage (FRM) averaged 6.73% this week, its fifth-straight week of increases and edging upwards of 7%, acc...
Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Tod...
NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the ear...
Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back C...
Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children enteri...
Mortgage Rates on the Rise for Fifth-Straight Week
The 30-year fixed-rate mortgage (FRM) averaged 6.73% this week, its fifth-straight week of increases and edging upwards of 7%, acc...
Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Stil...
PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed ann...
Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Residen...
SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Ri...
Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students...
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis an...
Pros And Cons Of Banning Books
Bans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and ed...
Toblerone Drops Iconic Design Due To Rules On ‘Swissnes...
Toblerone will drop images of the Matterhorn and Swiss flag from its packaging to avoid violating Swiss laws that protect national...
Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak O...
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to avoid making her feel nervous as night fell in the city, the Grim Reaper reportedly slowed his pace on...
Biggest Hidden Costs Of Giving Birth In America
As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt...
Walgreens Announces Stores Won’t Sell Abortion Pills In...
Walgreens announced that it will not carry abortion pills in several GOP-led states after receiving pressure from anti-abortion la...
Flagship Healthcare Properties Continues Acquisition St...
Charlotte, NC-based Flagship Healthcare Properties, an outpatient healthcare real estate firm, has acquired a newly built, Class ...
OpenPhone Review: My Work From Home Setup for Maximum P...
The post OpenPhone Review: My Work From Home Setup for Maximum Productivity appeared first on REtipster.
The Onion's Modern Woman: The Retiree
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International Women’s Day: Roundup
Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there c...
Democrats Demand Republicans Push Anti-Trans Agenda Mor...
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they could no longer stand by and watch the GOP’s annoyingly public-facing attacks, Democrats demanded...
Kellyanne And George Conway Announce Divorce
Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway and husband George Conway, a lawyer and frequent Trump critic, have announced they are divor...
Covid-Paranoid Man Still Won’t Remove Ventilator
MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was s...
I Am No Longer A Feminist After Watching Some YouTube V...
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
The Misogyny Interwoven Into Our Patriarchal Society Ha...
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
We Need A Woman On Top Of The White House
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
International Women’s Day
Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there c...
My Wife’s A Girl
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
History Of The Women’s Rights Movement
On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of...
